The Colonel T Show

I’ve never really asked anything of you, except of course, for your love.

Today, though, I’m asking you to check out the first novel by my very own brother Brian, entitled Prelude to a Super Airplane. Many of you already read his blog, and now the same charm and wit you find there can be found in convenient book form.

I could cite twenty reasons you should pick up a copy, but I’ll whittle it down to just these three:

1. It’s a terrific read.
2. The book is semi-autobiographical, and indeed features a character named “Colonel T.”
3. The author’s back-page portrait is drawn by none other than yours truly.

Not sold yet? Brian will be publishing excerpts on his aforementioned blog all week. When you’re ready (not if, when) you can read more about the book at its official website, and you can purchase the book online here.

Here is a picture of me, writing this entry and holding the book. Look how happy my hand is!

Last time on The Colonel T Show, I joined Facebook.

Did you join me there? If so, you’ve enjoyed three solid months of frivolous status updates and photos of many of my children. Tonight, for no reason, I asked myself: “Why did I embrace Facebook and abandon my blog?” I’ve arrived at two possibilities:

1. Facebook friends have no choice but to read my updates. A captive audience in every sense of the word.
2. Posting status updates limited to 200 characters or less is fast and requires virtually no effort. That describes my general approach to life, so it suits me.
3. Picture posting is ridiculously easy.

For a time, I engaged my old pal, fellow blogger and television superstar Scott Sabol, in a friend count battle. That was fun for a few days, but due to his irresistable charm and outstanding grammar, he has now eclipsed me by a factor of 5. Kudos to him. Really. I mean it.

So I’m hooked on Facebook. I’m not ashamed. It’s pretty great. Nevertheless, The Colonel T Show (and Colonel T.com, and Colonel T vs. The World Crime League before it) is my first, best home, and it deserves better than to languish without an update for three months. So I apologize, not only to my readers (who really should be following me on Facebook) but to my dear friend, this website, whom I left all alone for three months on the cold, dark, Internet.

So, to that effect, this week I’m going to tell you about my new podcast, my upcoming children’s album, and the upcoming April 20-ish birth of my son.

Thanks a lot, Scott.

I just killed 90 minutes searching the names of every single person I’ve ever met. I’m told this is called “Facebook Stalking” and it’s made me feel dirty.

I added my wife, Elizabeth, as a friend, and I guess that means that we’re getting pretty serious. It’s a big step for us.

I could see where a 14-year-old would spend every waking hour on this thing. (Facebook, not my blog.)

Friend me, if you are so inclined. I cherish your love.

The Scenario: As you watch this video, imagine yourself in the role of “The Mc C.” Imagine that his life is your life, and that you have no escape from it. You will be The McC for the rest of time.

The Challenge: How long can you last before your first thought of suicide?

I made it one minute, thirty-seven seconds. Good luck!

I stole this from another website, but I think it’s worth stealing. It makes me giggle:

Hey! Haitian Guy! Guess what? I’m pretending to ally myself with The Company so I can learn Sylar’s secret weakness and kill him!

It’s going to be hard though. Really hard. Sylar’s invincible! And he can crush my windpipe with just a thought. It may take a long, long time. And I’ll have to pretend to be his pal, and maybe even do some really bad things. But it’ll be worth it in the end.

What do you think, Haitian Guy? Here we are, watching Sylar through this glass window, standing no more than five feet away from him. Can you think of any way to defeat him? Any way to break through his invincibility? Anything? Anything at all? No? That’s okay. Like I said, it’s going to be hard.

Oh, what was your power again, Haitian Guy?

Last night brought us the three-hour (!!!) premiere of Heroes on the NBC television network. Hour one took us to a red carpet premiere party where the stars of the show, including an unnaturally tan Sylar, recapped the past seasons and previewed the new one. I was grateful for the recap, because I’d forgotten some key elements of the finale, including but not limited to: everything that happened in the finale and every episode that preceded it.

After the party, Sylar returned to his hotel room to inject himself with bronzer. The rest of us were treated to two episodes of the new season. Well, “treated” is not quite the right word. “Subjected to” maybe? However you phrase it, Heroes is lousy and I’m not sure it’s fixable.

You know what the problem is as well as I do — a show about gods is inherently dramaless, particularly when the gods are written as idiots. Too many characters are way too powerful, and the writers are completely backed into a corner.

Look no further than the first three minutes: Future Claire points a gun at Future Peter’s head, intending to kill him. Peter, you’ll recall, absorbs powers from other Heroes, and is as such omnipotent. Claire is quite aware of this. Nevertheless, she pulls the trigger. There is no way — NO WAY — you can spin this so it makes any sense. Claire isn’t stupid. Neither are we. Think of all the ways Peter could have beaten death:

• Stop time and move out of the bullet’s path (that’s what he did in the episode)
• Teleport behind Claire and snatch the gun away
• Phase out and let the bullet pass through him
• Fly over the bullet
• Use his mind powers to compel Claire to drop the gun
• Let the bullet hit him, and allow his body to heal itself (Claire’s very own power!!)
• Telekinesis the gun out of Claire’s hand

I’m sure I’m missing other possibilities, but you get my point. Over the course of these two episodes I must have said to myself “Why didn’t he/she just…” about 30 times. Why can’t Future Peter just go back in time and kill Sylar before he got his powers? Why didn’t Sylar rip the door off its hinges with his mind? Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. It’s odd to say this, considering this a show about superheroes, but Heroes isn’t realistic enough.

This all started back at the end of Season One, when Hiro just ran up to Sylar with a samurai sword and stabbed him in the heart. Sylar just kind of stood there, instead of using one of the many powers at his command to strike down Hiro. That was so disappointing, because the show had been so brilliant up to that point. It never really recovered.

(And are we really going to have another apocolypse this season? Really? Meh.)

At least we’ve got Bruce Boxleitner on the scene. Maybe he’ll save us. He has to.

Oh, and a special note to Greatest American Hero star William Katt, who graced the second episode last night: Bill, my friend, time to let that haircut go.

Go ahead! Try to decipher it! You can do it! Yes, you can!

Here’s what I’ve abandoned in the last few weeks:

• My Job
• This Blog
• This Blog’s Logo
• Fitness
• Reading
• Gaming
• My Laptop
• My BlackBerry
• Proper Sinus Function

In short — everything’s great!

Actually, I start a new job on Monday, which is the cause for all the abandonment. I had to turn in my Thinkpad, and my new laptop won’t arrive from Dell until the end of the month. Soooooo…no blogging until then. I’m going off the grid. I’m mysterious!

Here’s a Maddy shot and Molly shot, to keep you going until the next update. Cheers until then!

The inspiration starts at 1:24. You can thank me later.